When you are empty, God restores. #God #faith #bible (Taken with instagram)
I’m going to settle down
with someone that would rather curl up on the couch and watch a good wrestling match than a movie, and who will forever play with my hair and pop my pimples and never care that I smell bad.
dreamy
Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has loved us. To lay down our desires and do what’s in his or her best interest. To care for him or her even when there’s nothing in it for us. To want that person’s purity and holiness because it pleases God and protects him or her.
“
| — | Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (via littlethingsaboutgod) |
My mom may not be around for mother’s day, but I sure do have an amazing dad. #lucky (Taken with instagram)
God has literally healed me from every single one of these struggles in less than six months. That’s freaking incredible. I wrote this October 2011. I am so free, so happy, so blessed. and I am capable of love and being loved and mostly, I love myself.
————————————————————————————————————————————
I am constantly searching for an impossible love. A love to replace the unconditional and perfect love I had from my mother, who still, after passing four and half years ago, lets me know she’s with me. I know she is, I see her when I look in the mirror, when I laugh, or when I smile, all things I shared with her.
I have to get past this complex that the only real love I can feel or express is the same love my mother possessed because it’s not true, at all. There is not a defined love, there is no rule book.
I just don’t want to hurt anymore, that’s all. To be happy, to be free.
I have lost all of my friends, pushed them away. I find it almost impossible to associate with women, for fear of them leaving me behind. I cannot stay committed to anything I set my mind to. I lost interest, and hope in just about everything. I don’t trust anyone, not even me. I take people’s words more to heart than anyone I know. I cry. hard, and a lot. and several times a day.
The littlest thing can set me off. Mostly anything to do with love, the one thing I crave more than glazed donuts and chocolate milk. I just want love. The kind that never gives up or lets go. True love. The kind I always feel, and the kind i’m so confident in.
Maybe the reason I can’t let anyone love me, is because I just don’t care to love myself. I don’t think i’m worth it. I’m always hurting people, especially myself. I’m having deja vu right now. Maybe i’ve written these words before. I know i’ve thought them about a billion times. Daily, even.
I think about killing myself a lot. The scariest part is, I think i’m capable. I wonder how i’d do it, who would miss me. Who would regret giving up on me. Then I wonder if i’m doing it for revenge, or just because i’m so unhappy with myself and my life. I think i’ve overcome the anger part of my grief, I don’t tend to get wall punching mad anymore. I more often have fits of tears….the kind that don’t stop. Gasping for air, snorting, pillow soaking tears. I always feel relief afterwords, I just feel so alone during them.
When people hurt, they give up. They let go, they move on. Not everyone is my mother, or God. People make horrible decisions, and horrible mistakes, and we are all so bad to each other all the time. I don’t want to be that anymore. I don’t want my insecurities and my anxious behaviors and my inability to commit to hurt anyone anymore. I want help, and I know…God knows, i need it.
Please Lord.
I know this is not where God wants me. this is not the care free me that he created me to be.
I am loved. By a beautiful creator. Who can fix me. who will love me. and who is will me.
I am loved, we are all so beautifully loved. I don’t think i’m going to give up anymore. I just think I need to stop depending on other people to live my life for me. I am capable of all the love I need.
2 Corinthians 16: 16 So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace
